This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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