she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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