Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Watching her eat just hurts me
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
