we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
