imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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