I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Welp...herpes.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
