literally had 100 drinks last night.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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