Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Text me some of your sweat
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