I wish my penis had an off switch
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
