I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
