I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
