just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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