My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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