whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
