A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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