What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
