dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
