I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
