so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
