fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
