Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
