Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
