My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
