I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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