i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
