I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
