As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
