final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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