The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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