she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
