i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
