he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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