wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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