i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
