Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
