I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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