How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
