YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
