Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
