I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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