try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You need Xanax blowdarts
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
