hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
