Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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