she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
