Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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