8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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