My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
