You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
