This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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