shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
