...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When did we convert life to cartoon?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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