I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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